Choosing To Believe

There was a time in my life I did not believe in God.  I was a confirmed atheist. There was no doubt about it, case closed.  God was nothing more than the pipe dream of people who could not accept the harsh realities of the world. I thought belief in God was a crutch, an escape, an illusion, a product of man’s desperate attempt to bring reason and purpose to an unknowable universe.  There was no God in heaven or anywhere else to guide or direct me.  If I was to have a purpose in life, I would have to invent it myself.  For years I called myself an agnostic, because I knew if I admitted I was an atheist, someone would want to argue the point, and I didn’t think it even worth the effort of a good argument.

You might ask, how in the world did this poor lost soul ever find God? 

I did not find God.  He found me.  I heard Him calling.  It was quiet and gentle, but it was an irresistible call.  It was like a soft knocking at the door.  I had to go see who was there.

For you to appreciate the miracle God performed in my life, you need to understand how I had been living my life.

I believed all men acted in a manner so as to advance their own best interest and under this philosophy each man was responsible only for himself. Consequently, I was not my brother’s keeper, and if I gave my brother, or my neighbor, anything he did not earn, I was doing him more harm than good.  In this Godless, materialistic and self-centered approach to life, I had feelings of isolation and loneliness.  I had personal relationships, but feared relationships could not be trusted.  I discovered I could escape these feelings through intense activity or losing myself in my work.

As the second of 12 children born to parents who never went beyond the eighth grade, I worked my way through college and graduated with honors from one of the best law schools in the country.  I climbed the corporate ladder of success, concerned only of my own self-interest and achievements.  By age 40, I owned a successful real estate business, was married to a beautiful woman, and lived in what many would call a mansion.  I had accomplished virtually every goal I had set for myself.

But after concentrating so single-mindedly on my goals and achieving everything I wanted, I was not satisfied or happy.  I had no peace of mind.  All this work and struggle, and to what end?  Just to die, turn to dust and blow away?  If this is all there is to life, why should I live another day?  I was truly lost, alone, and did not know where I was going.  I needed help, but I did not know where to find it.

I had attended church during my childhood, but turned my back on God in my early teens.  The only time I attended church was for weddings, funerals and special occasions.  My wife was a Christian and she went to church regularly with our children.  She encouraged me to attend with our family, but I would not.

During Christmas of 1989, I became very ill and my doctor diagnosed me with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.  I was a smoker.  As I held my six month old daughter in my arms, I knew that I would not live to see her grow up.  Burdened by the guilt that I was responsible for bringing a life into the world and not going to be around to take care of her, I quit smoking. 

I took the money I saved by not smoking and purchased motivational tapes.  During January and February of 1990, as I drove to and from work, I listened to hours of optimistic lectures, successful people with positive mental attitudes.

 In March of 1990 while attending a business meeting in Augusta, Georgia, a friend offered me some tapes on Christian leadership by a preacher named Dr. John Maxwell.  Not exactly a subject near to my heart.  Out of courtesy—and because it was a long ride home—I took the box of tapes.  To my surprise, I enjoyed them.  I even picked up a few pointers I could use in business.  I also listened to several of Dr. Maxwell’s sermons which I had initially tossed aside, but decided to listen since I had enjoyed his leadership tapes.

Dr. Maxwell spoke of Christianity as being essentially a matter of giving and forgiving.  This thought stuck with me.  The next day I listened to that sermon again.  Dr. Maxwell talked about God in such a magnificent way I wanted to know more about him.  He said God wanted a personal relationship with everyone, including me.  While I wanted to dismiss it all as nonsense, I could not.  I still did not believe there was a God in heaven, but maybe I should keep an open mind.  Perhaps I could learn something that would help me in my relationship with my wife, or even my business partner who was also a Christian.

Then as fate would have it, or perhaps more accurately as God planned it, in April 1991, my business partner invited me to a Christian leadership seminar in Columbia, South Carolina.  The speaker was Dr. John Maxwell.  Out of curiosity and because I wanted to tell Dr. Maxwell how much I had enjoyed his tapes, I agreed to go.

When I met Dr. Maxwell, we talked for several hours about his faith in God, and I shared with him my disbelief.  Dr. Maxwell told me that God loved me with an endless and unconditional love.  He asked me if I felt a pull or a beckoning when I thought about Christ.  I told him I did not understand what was happening, but I did feel a strange warming of my heart.  He showed me in Revelation 3:20 where Jesus says, “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock.  If any of you hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in….” (NIRV)  He told me that God would take me just as I was, disbelief and all, provided I would accept on faith that Jesus Christ was the Son of God.   He explained that God respected my will and I was free to choose to accept or to reject Him.  He said if I accepted Christ into my life and asked Him to forgive my sins, I would experience peace in my mind and joy in my heart that would surpass all understanding, and that I would gain eternal life.

 I knew that I had gone as far as I could go on my own, and if life was to be worth living, I needed God in my life.  With a good deal of uncertainty, and as an act of absolute faith, I made the decision to follow Jesus.  I knew I was embarking on a journey into the unknown. I was stepping out far beyond anything I could see, that I was stepping into a spiritual plane of existence where I had nothing to offer but my surrender to God and my faith in His love for me. 

As I took that life changing leap of faith and accepted Christ into my heart, I remember feeling like a child jumping off the diving board in the deep end of the swimming pool for the first time in life.

As we were leaving the restaurant, I remember thinking, my wife is not going to believe what has happened to me, my dear mother is going to do cartwheels, and my brothers and sisters are going to think I have taken leave of my senses.  How could I possibly explain to them and to others what had happened to me?  It was so incredible that I hardly believed it myself.

After I chose to believe in God and invited Jesus Christ into my heart, there was a radical transformation and restructuring of my approach to life.  Before, I lived only for myself, I was empty and alone. Now I have a God who loves me, and I am part of a Christian community that seeks to do God’s work on this earth.  Before, all my goals were material, now my goals are eternal. 

Today, after many years since choosing to believe, I can testify to the true existence of God because I have personally witnessed His workings and His ways in my life.  I have heard God’s voice through His calming Spirit speak to me through days of despair and felt the joy of God in mountaintop experiences.  I walk in faith and trust that God’s unfailing love and power will always be present in the life I now live in Christ.